Moved to http://bitchdulce.blogspot.com

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xx
m

Im tired and wallowing in self pity.
My skin is also not cooperating.

I don't think I have ever been this busy in my life.
Its great but I'm beginning to worry. How will I do everything? Im not good at trusting other people to do my job, its my number one work flaw. I dont know how to delegate. I like doing things myself, with my own two hands.

I wanted to do a film, but now its too late.
I want to do a shoot, but I don't know how I can get everything done on time.

Lord I thank you for my blessings, but please help me get through it all as well.

My lola used to say my cousin wanted 10 million in the bank before he spent anything major. I used to think it was ridiculous because for me there is no point saving money when you can die at any time. I spent my hard earned money on things like travel, gigs, bags and clothing.

That was in 2003, 2 years after we graduated. Apparently my cousin is quite close.

Its now 2010 and I actually feel ridiculous, yet I still do it.
I still spend unearned money on bags and especially on vivienne westwood anything.
And I cant really stop.

But I've been thinking about what I really want in life.
And I really want to own a flat in London.
Im tired of shipping my stuff to and fro twice a year.
I just want a place I can always come home to since I go there so much.

So thats my goal.
Ive decided to try save money until I get that.
Its going to take a while and a whole lot of self control.
No stupid things like new phones, no high heels that are really too high for me to wear.
No clothes no jackets that I'll get sick of.
No bags I don't really need.

I want to save 30 million pesos.
Damn I might be 80 by the time i get it hahaha.

The thing I am not willing to cut out is travel. I love that too much. And gigs.
But I swear I'm going to try not buy stupid things.

The reason why I am blogging this is so that you, my friend, can remind me not to spend on stupid things. Every peso counts! Can you believe i'm nearly 30 and this is the first time i have ever considered saving???
Ive always just kind of blown my pay the minute I got it, and have occasionally ended up having nothing on me because I do that.

I swear I am going to work my brains out until I get it. If my rents could get their dreams with hard work, there is no way that I can't too.

My family is not rich, but I suppose we can live comfortably and everything we have is hard earned.
I really admire my mom (and dad) for it.
My mom was a teller in a bank, and my dad was in insurance.
Apparently I take after my father, who spends everything the minute he earns it.
When my mom and dad got married, my mom would set aside half of his salary each time he got it. They would daydream about a house in Corinthian Gardens together, and when I was five, they saved enough to buy a lot there, and planned to build their dream house.

My dad passed away when I was five and when the house was 4 hollow block bricks high, and my mom was unemployed because I had asked her to retire when I was 3 as my birthday wish. I was a second grader in Brent (I had to be accelerated because I had a high IQ -where is it now, i ask myself that too- and so i couldnt go to a local school) and because we had to save money, i had to move to Poveda (where i lasted 2 weeks before going back to brent because i was unhappy, but thats another story) etc etc etc.

Long story short, my mom went through tough times but at the end of the day, we survived, built her dream house in Corinthian that i could never ever sell even if my life depended on it, put me through school and eventually managed to gain enough for me to experience the things I can today.

My mom always tells me, "Libre lang mangarap, anak"

Here's hoping my dreams come true too :)

I'm craving anonymity and the experience of new friends.
I kind of have this vicious cycle of dependence and attachment, then detachment when I feel like I have to guard myself from future hurt.

I'm envious of Lara and her experience of meeting new people. I feel shelled up and contained.

Its a horrible feeling to lose faith in someone. It leaves you lost and wondering.

I'm so excited to go away.
I think that if I had no option to run away abroad I would just have to kill myself.

I hate that this place is so small and that everyone knows each other.
I want to just wander and not see anyone, or anyone who knows anyone i know.

I'm sick of everything, except my job. I love it right now.
Last year I hated it but now I really love it.
I love just being able to stay home and sew hats while watching films.
I love my clients. Im happy to have reached the point where my clients believe in me enough to just let me at it and trust me.
I really love my work.

It just occurred to me while writing this that I always have to love something at every point.
Sometimes I obsess about how much I love my friends, but right now that's not what I'm about.
A while back I loved my band, but now its not that either.
Now its all about work.
I don't mind it. I missed being this passionate about my job. And I'm happy to be finally be able to sustain myself solely with what I really like to do, none of this showbiz raket bullshit, none of the half baked projects i did in the past to pay the rent, just making stuff I really can be proud of.

I suppose that's something to be happy about.

That, and August being only three months away. Please fly me away from here.

How odd is it that I am completely content being locked in the four walls of my room here. The world outside just doesn't seem as appealing as it is over there where I can just lie on grass and feel sublimely happy.

If I ever met anyone who was so driven by ambition my heart would probably burst and I would just have to marry them.

I feel like I have to detach myself from everything all over again.
I get like this sometimes. I did it with Candyaudioline in 2004. I loved it so much but I love my work so much more and the appeal of success and ambition just resonated so strongly in my bones that nothing else seemed more important.

I feel distracted from the many things I need to and want to do for myself.

I feel kind of jaded about friendship at the moment. A little bird told me something that has been haunting me for a few weeks now. Not on purpose, but the person has no clue how much it upset me. But I refuse to let it affect me. Friends can let you down and I once again had to learn as I have had to many times before.

I, I only have myself.

I don't think there was ever a time when I didn't have a weight problem.

I was always chubby since birth.

But when I was in high school I lost about 40 pounds before prom. I was the queen of bulimia and unhealthy eating, I don't know to this day if anyone ever knew about it when it happened.

Every day I would chop up one apple and cut it up into little slices. I limited my intake to one apple for an entire day. I'd stay in the library at lunch so that I wouldn't see or smell food, and when I'd eat anything else, i would run to the big bathroom next to the waiting room and stick my finger down my throat. The toilets in there didn't flush, so I would throw up in the waste baskets beside the toilet, then cover it up with scrap paper or what not, to eliminate the evidence.

I did it so frequently, that a month later, a sign was posted on each cubicle saying "If you wish to throw up, please use the toilet bowl." It was like a special message to me, and oddly enough instead of being embarrassed like i should have been, it encouraged me to keep doing it.

I would go to the gym each day for at least 2 hours. My gym was Slimmer's World in Galleria, and it was like my secret until Jocy Oconer and Hasmin Hernandez showed up. Hasmin wore these crop tops and I wanted to stab her for being so skinny. So I'd make sure I'd stay another hour to the hour she was there.

My mom was completely clueless, despite me fainting right before prom when I was trying on a dress. The only time I nearly got exposed was on a family trip to Egypt or Greece or something years later. I was room mates with my step sister, and she heard me throwing up. (which is appalling because then I had mastered the art of throwing up - quiet, and with no need of a finger in my mouth, i was so good at throwing up that i could just roll my tongue in and it would make me purge) Anyway, she caught me, and I then had to purge mid meal instead of after so it would not be obvious.

I lost 40 pounds in 2 months.

To this day my mom tells me that I need to get back my dedication to losing weight like I had in high school. I think she knew though, but she preferred me to be unhealthy instead of fat.

I was able to stay thin for about 3 years, consistently throwing up. My best friend in college was Crischelle, and I was comforted by the fact that she once told me she would do it too. My fave bathroom was the one in Faura (may tissue na, may flush pa, and no one was there really). I remember always just locking myself in a stall for ages in the big Berchmans bathroom, feet on top of the seat, because I could hear people outside wondering who was throwing up -- therefore I couldn't go out-the stall would reek of vomit and my glassy eyes would expose my secret. It was harder in college though to keep doing it, but I was a dancer and I couldn't afford the weight that I was putting back on.

In second year I discovered even better ways to lose weight, Bangkok pills being the least offensive method amongst many appalling methods i used in my quest to lose weight. They worked but really turned me into a psycho, and worse, just completely fucked up my metabolism. My yoyo cycle had officially begun, and I would gain, then lose, then gain then lose then gain then lose.

I am now 29. more than ten years since, and I have gained more than lost. Its the most frustrating thing.

I would like to say that I have come to terms with it, or that I've learned to eat healthy or whatever bullshit you'd like to hear, but I haven't. I still want to kill myself each day I step on a scale or see photos of me looking like rubbish. I still exercise on a daily basis, I try not to eat carbs unless I am out with my friends, yet my weight is still the heaviest I have ever been. Its really frustrating. I have only been 'the pretty girl' once about 11 years ago, and I don't think I'll ever be the pretty girl ever again and it pains me to think about that, especially at a time when I should be the pretty girl to get my life dream (aka a husband).

You can't even begin to imagine the frustration I am feeling right now.

admiralpye wrote her wish list recently, and you all know I wish for one thing in life, which is to find the coolest husband there is, to my standards.

Nix told me that I should write the qualities I wish for in a hubby.

So this would be the perfect time to write it all down.

1. He has to work as hard as me, or harder. I can't be with a slacker.
2. He has to enjoy kitsch things like i do. Including (and not limited to) : picnics, bike rides, fancy dress and showers in the rain (I love that but I live in a condo now so its a bit awkward to dance in the rain on your roofdeck)
3. Must not cringe at being silly.
4. Must be faithful.
5. Must have enough interests in common with me, but not like exactly what I like. I hate that. I like to be able to roll my eyes at some things he likes in front of him, but secretly research so that I get pretty points when I know stuff.
6. Not too easily impressed. I think I see the world wide eyed and eager enough for 2.
7. Doesn't really need to be Catholic but love me enough to respect how I want to raise my kids and what I need from them to do that.
8. Must like to have me in their life, I love playing supportive partner.
9. Must be supportive of me ! I don't mean like worship the ground I walk on but more like know when something is important to me and when you should be there.
10. This is cringe, but I kind of like boys with issues then I can be mothering and caring which is my fave thing ever. Not good for me though.
11. Must like art. I cannot begin to tell you how difficult it was seeing someone who just cringed at my constant need to visit galleries and museums. I don't mind doing them alone but I honestly wish I had someone to do it with me.
12. Must want kids.
13. Must be patient. Im a crazy person. It takes a lot of patience and even more forgiveness to love me.
14. Must be malambing. I like hugs.
15. This is a long shot - Must make me feel secure. I am the most insecure person I know and I dont think I've ever met anyone who makes me feel like I don't have to protect my territory or just makes me feel like I don't have to worry about a thing.
16. Must be ok with me wanting to be betty crocker the home maker.
17. Must not keep secrets from me.
18. Must not flake.

I can't think of any more but I think that's a lot.
Come on universe, you can do it.
Find me such a soul.